Not Enough Sexy Vampires
by xXBWFXx
Summary: Crack fic. Edward Cullen is trying to take over Rayman's world? Murfy is a paranormal investigator? And LacMac's getting voices in his head that tell him he's bisexual? Yeah. What happens when Domi gets sugar. T for obvious reasons, AKA Edward Cullen. XP
1. The Nightmare Begins

**First off, Mutitoon-san, I will continue chapter 3 of my emo RtAS darkfic soon. The one that you like for some reason. O_e Anyway, the plot bunnies just invaded my mind. THEY INVADED IT. THEY DID. THHEEEYYY DDDIIIIDDDD :**

**So yeah.**

**Note to RPCers. No I'm not still obsessed with RtAs, I got over that in like April. Earlier. They're just SO GOOD TO POKE FUN AT**

**-pokepokepoke-**

**Also, title and admittedly plotline in based on something Limely on DeviantART said: "Rayman isn't what really attracts your typical emo. There's not enough sexy vampires and s***."**

**So yeah.**

**Oh, and Tily being a unapreciated fairy (C) Vincent Von Dreyfus.

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**One: The Nightmare Begins

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**All was dark. Quiet. The typical opening in a typical Rayman darkfic. Yeah.

Then suddenly, in an obvious Invader Zim ripoff, a certain blonde superhero jumps through the window in a flurry of leaves and past-to-present-tense-change. "They're coming!"

Tily the Unappreciated Fairy put down her sketchbook and gave Rayman her trademark Sickly Smile™ that once inflicted on you fulfilled your daily sugar intake. "Who's coming RayRay?" She said, with a look that said "Disturb my drawing again and you die."

Now, for a true IZ ripoff to take place, Rayman would've said "I don't know" in a spooky accent. But because he was original, unlike the author, he didn't. Instead, he said..

"THE STUPID SEXY VAMPIRES!"

And with that, he screamed.

Tily screamed.

Ly screamed.

Globox screamed.

Murfy screamed.

Dib screamed, and he isn't even _in_ this story.

Somewhere in France, a guy named Michel screamed, and hid behind his illegitimate son Jhonen.

Because the STUPID SEXY VAMPIRES were just THAT BAD. That they were. :D

O0O0O0O0O0

"Onward, Christian soldiers!" yelled Edward Cullen.

Jacob the Hippie Werewolf (who may or may not be cheating on Alice with Remus Lupin) groaned. "I'm a Buuuddhist!" he yelled, pronouncing it like they do on CSI. "I'm a frigging Buuuuddhist!"

Edward facepalmed, and winced as glitter cascaded from the impact into his eye. "DAMMIT!" he yelled.

Alice whimpered. "Like OMG you just SWORE. Perfect boyfriends don't do that."

"Oh I don't mind." chirped Bella. "I mean totally omg he totally loves me so I don't mind what he does." With that she kissed him, which turned into a makeout session to be afraid of.

"OMG YUCK" said Jacob, who was so awsme! he could talk without punctuation.

O0O0O0O0O0

In total idiotic fashion, Rayman had decided to hold a meeting with all his mates to decide what to do about...you know what.

"So! Guys! Any ideas?" He asked.

"We could kill one of them."

"Only one?"

"Well it can't be too depressing.

"But what would happen to the other?"

"They'd get depressed."

"And maybe suicide?"

"No way, that's been done before. Romeo And Juliet anyone?"

"Dude, that book was written on a different planet. You're not supposed to have heard of it."

"Right."

"Well, we could slowly but surely wean them into a love thing, but try not to make it the general suicide-cus-his-mission-failed-take-them-both-to-Irk thing everybody does. We need originality."

Everybody looked at LacMac with the intensity of something really really really frigging intense.

The young adult curled up in his chair and nervously stared back at them with the sort of expression a rabbit would have upon being caught in the headlights of a disturbingly pink and glittery tank.

There was an awkward silence. Even the crickets had stopped chirping and were staring at him.

"Dude," said Ly, after what felt like a million years and probably was on some distant planet, "How would that help with the imminent SSV invasion?"

"Sadistically Sane Vanilla?" asked Murfy.

"No. STUPID SEXY VAMPIRES."

Everyone screamed, and then pretended that the past ten seconds hadn't happened.

"Invasion?" Now it was LacMac's turn to look confused. "So we're not talking about that group ZaDr story we were writing?"

Another awkwardly awkward silence.

"What group ZaDr story?" Asked Rayman.

Ly scratched her head. "We're writing a group ZaDr story?"

"Well, eh, last time LacMac checked we were."

Murfy sighed.

"No, that was LAST week. Polokus, kid, keep up."

"Eh, okay."

Here Murfy facepalmed, and thankfully did not get glitter in his eye because he is not a STUPID SEXY VAMPIRE...or IS he? Hmm. PLOTPOINT!

No wait that sucks. Ah well.

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**Aaand yeah. That's...it. xD**


	2. I Swear I'm Getting A Migraine

** _Aaaand finally this fic has continuation! 8D If you don't get the Laslo thing just ask._  


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Chapter Two: I Swear I'm Getting A Migraine

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"Here we are." said Edward.

After hours of riding horses through the forest and drinking smoothies, they'd reached Rayman's headquarters (which was a dilapidated garden shed with "**Rayman's headqaters**" written on it courtesy of LacMac and Tily; both good at art but neither good at spelling) and the vampires were preparing to strike. ("Strike as in _attack_, Jacob, not strike as in refuse work until we get a pay rise.")

Jacob stared at the door. "Uh, do we like knock or, uh, like, what?"

Edward was having trouble keeping his temper under control. "We don't _knock_, Jacob. We are vampires. We-"

"I'm not a vampire." interrupted Jacob.

"Like, neither am I." chirped Bella. "Not like yet anyway."

"Shut. Up." hissed Edward through clenched teeth. Raising his voice a little, he continued. "We are vampires...mostly. Vampires don't knock. They say "RAWR!" and barge in."

Bella nodded. "Got it."

"Okay. Three...two...one..."

They burst through the door.

"RAWR AND BARGE IN!" yelled Jacob and Bella.

Edward facepalmed again, his rage making him disregard the glitter. "What...did I do...to get...stuck..with you..?"

"I dunno but it must have been pretty bad." said a voice.

The "idiot clan" (as dubbed by Murfy) turned around to see Rayman and Tily standing there with their hands upon their hips.

"Uh..." Edward looked flustered now. "...Hi?"

"Hello." said Rayman, in a voice he fondly believed made him sound spooky but actually made him sound constipated.

Tily held out a cup with a beaming smile. "Cup of tea?"

"Uh, yes..." muttered Edward. "That'd be lovely."

Rayman glared at her. "Tily, they're _vampires._ You can't offer vampires tea. They're meant to be evil." _They're just not very good at it. _

Tily looked wounded. "But even vampires need tea sometimes..."

"Yeah well, these ones don't."

Which is when LacMac emerged with a tray of biscuits and a :3 face.

Rayman looked at Cookie despairingly. "How...how did you manage to be locked up with him for a year...?"

"With great difficulty." was the response.

Bella just stared. "...Say that again."

Cookie looked a but flustered now, which was hardly surprising. "...With great difficulty?"

"Your voice..." Bella went quiet for a moment. Then suddenly she yelled "I knew it!"

"What?" asked Edward.

"I recognise your voice! You're Laslo the monkey!"

There was an all-round blank stare from the group.

Edward's hand met his face again. "I...despair."

"Do I look like a monkey to you?"

"What _is_ a monkey anyway?" asked Ly, reminding everyone that they were actually from a different planet with no concept of Earth.

"Hey!" Bella looked offended. "I'm from Earth!"

Oops. Sorry Bella.

Anyway.

A few minutes later, the vampires and co were drinking tea and eating biscuits while Rayman looked on seething.

"So," said Ly. "What brings you here?"

"We're trying to invaade." said Bella through a mouthful of biscuit.

"No we're not." said Edward."

"Yes we are."

"No, we're not."

"But you said-"

"SILENCE!"

There was silence.

Edward giggled nervously. "Don't mind her...she's not...mentally sound..."

"We'd guessed." muttered Murfy.


End file.
